Elliott Smith

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Hiya cuties!

Up until last night, I’ve had a pretty dry week. Absolutely nothing made me cry! It was almost a little weird. Everything was very nice, even though it was a little chilly and I knew, deep down, that I was but one deep, shaky breath away from hysterics.

But no dice. I came home after work one night and felt a little wiped out. Naturally, I put on my pajamas, and climbed into bed with my iPod. I thought, what’s a girl to listen to on a good day in a good week? That’s right, Elliott Smith.

For those of you sad, unenlightened people who have never heard of Elliott Smith, he is a singer/songwriter who was prominent in the late 90’s. He released melancholy albums such as Either/Or and XO, in addition to scoring the sad film Good Will Hunting. Unfortunately, he died in 2003 in Los Angeles under suspicious circumstances. His music is tragically sad, making you feel as if you are floating through a grave yard, smoking a cigarette, and disappointing your significant other at the same time. Needless to say, he is my favorite artist.

So I was listening to his heart-wrenching A Capella ballad, “I Didn’t Understand”, when I began to weep uncontrollably. My mascara ran all over my cheeks, and I slibbered all over my hands and face. At that moment, I truly felt faced by the void, and felt it begin to fill me inside, right where my heart would be (if I had one).

At that moment, I realized that I will never again experience youth for the first time. I will never hear my favorite songs for the first time again, or see my favorite movies, or meet my favorite people. Slowly, I’m accomplishing everything I am meant to in life, and one day, no one will remember me at all! I’ll barely leave any ripples in the water of life.

What an amazing cry!

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Newark International Airport

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Happy February, babes!

It’s gotten to be a lovely, endurable type of winter weather that allows me to both be cold and hot at the very same time! Incredible!

But a few weeks ago, a college trip took me to sunny Los Angeles for a few days. The weather there was also hot and cold, but mostly hot and vaguely like how one would expect Limbo to be! Awesome! I have to admit, it was nice to finally catch some vitamin D, when I wasn’t stuck in traffic.

Now, if you’re anything like me, the very idea of getting on a plane brings on crippling waves of existential dread. Usually, walking over a bridge is enough to bring tears to my eyes. While beholding any large body of water, I feel insignificant and I can begin to feel my life slipping slowly away from me, like it does to us all. The idea of travel also makes me cry, as does Newark as a concept and a reality. So naturally, when I boarded  a plane at Newark International Airport and did a small turn over the Atlantic, I was bawling in no time. It was a good, hearty cry, filled with both the fear of leaving home and one day growing old, and the simultaneous feeling of youthful inexperience. This cry was the cry of a child and of an old woman. It was during this cry that I realized I am mortal (for the third time that week!) and that millions of people lead full lives and I probably only mean something to ten of those people.

I may look as though I am smiling in the above crying selfie, but I assure you, that is the haunted smile of an adolescent with no earthly roots and nothing motivating her to persevere. The woman behind me, however was incredibly jazzed about taking off and traveling to Los Angeles. Upon looking at the photo after taking it, her broad, happy smile only made my tears flow faster, as I realized that I may never achieve that kind of excitement as an adult.