I am so tired…

This year has drained me so much. Over the past three years I’ve gone through the occasional dark period or dreary day but this year has brought so much physical and emotional exhaustion.

In the beginning of the year, almost every year, we get the chance to read work done by the peers before us in a sort of warning of the future of our two semesters to come. In one of the two letters I read the first semester, the senior wrote that I should prepare for the worst, cuddle up to my favorite ice cream and box of tissues and prepare to die.

It was kind’ve a wake up call and my friends got quite a laugh from it, as did I. We all didn’t take any of it seriously and completely wrote it off, giggling along the way. The first semester I felt pretty good, completely aware and working in tandem with my teachers. I got a high GPA average for that semester and it brought my overall GPA up. I thought all of the other students had been completely wrong about junior year and I would be able to breeze through.

Boy was I wrong.

I’m a lover of writing and reading; ever since a was a little kid it was my favorite pastime, apart from soccer. Being homeschooled allowed me the time to relax and live a long, fulfilling childhood as well as work hard. Once I got to high school? Everything changed. I had no love for reading, especially the books my English teachers chose and writing became a task only to be done when it needed to be done. My passions started fading away because of the rigorous grilling of my mind. For several hours a day I was tested, quizzed and lectured on many things I’d already learned and despite my love for learning, I found myself like most kids, hating school.

Every summer, it would take about two weeks of sleep to figure out I had a month and a half to do what I loved. For me, after the initial exhaustion of being out of school and no longer being tested weekly, quizzed weekly, studying daily, I was finally able to breathe. After this freedom I would write long stories and read dozens of books, trying to cram as much enjoyment into my life in a two month span before the hatred of something I loved came back.

Point is, school made me hate something I loved so dearly. I still love it, but I have absolutely no time for it in order for my own enjoyment. I read for school. I write for school. I study for school and learn for school. There is no area of my life, other than my friends and my family, where my life is not dedicated to school.

I can’t understand the kids who never do their homework and then complain about their struggles in school. It makes me upset. I have a great work ethic, I’d like to think, but every single end of the semester I lose my will to do anything and everything. Junior proved that not only can school completely destroy personal time if you let it but it can also obliterate old enjoyments. Not because of anything the teachers do, it is their job after all, or even the principal. It is the entire system. We are made to be machines, learning and producing the same thing as if on an assembly line each and every year. We are the products of the educational system, forever being driven forward despite how difficult it is.

I love to learn and I still love to learn no matter what, but after having two AP tests, two tests in science (I’m retaking the chemistry regents), a common core exam in english, two tests in math and a U.S History test, not including my SAT which I am taking this week and the constant drive of tests, quizzes and home works, I am driven to the brink of my limit. I want to do nothing. I take almost daily naps just so I can actually sleep and take to bad habits like coffee. My immune system is down; I’m constantly getting sick and I’m constantly exhausted.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t laugh it off. Start studying early. And to all the teachers that read this, I guess I just want you all to know how much everything – everything – affects us. We are constantly being pushed beyond our limit and still we stand, despite our grades, despite our hardships and troubles. That is what should be counted in our favor.

Thanks guys. ❤


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