It’s absolutely insane how much can change in a year. With the surplus of free time I have allowed myself, I have created this platform of confusion. I’ve had a lot of time to think and I literally JUST THINK. My thinking is interminable, its endless and that terrifies me. It is scary to think that the only thing that separates me from my thoughts is sleep. My thoughts veer off from the most minuscule things to thoughts about evolution. This allowance of free time has created this boat load of opinions and ideas. These thoughts that I can’t escape, that I have to somehow accept.
There is so much going on and it is so hard to get a grip on anything. With the abundance of work given to us this year, it is quite annoying to see that my focus has shifted to mainly my thoughts. It’s so hard to control my thoughts and that sometimes affects my ability to do school work. I delve into my mind and think about LITERALLY EVERYTHING. I will overanalyze one thing someone said/did to me or something that someone did not say/do to me. I am always trying to wrap myself around every little thing. I prioritize stupid things and leave important things pushed aside. I feel like I get too caught up in things that don’t matter, but then again, what exactly matters?
I hate my overthinking because of the limitless possibilities I cultivate in my mind. I always want one answer to things, but it’s so hard when your mind drifts onto multiple scenarios. I also feel like I am forcing certain things to happen too. I sometimes deeply desire for one specific thing to happen, but that is such a terrible way of “dreaming”. I’ll force it, by making myself present and allowing for the opportunity to come by. I’ll do small things that make me more accessible to what I want to happen, but this isn’t how life is. You can’t just sit there and wait for something to happen, even if you make yourself accessible. Walking a specific way or changing up your schedule to be convenient for something/someone will never work out. I can’t completely focus on the idea of if something is not meant to be, it won’t happen. And this is exactly what making yourself accessible, wanting something to happen – FORCING IT TO HAPPEN- really boils down to.
The most baffling part of all this is that I don’t even remember the last time I thought this much. It seriously feels like this year is the first year in my entire life where I have allowed myself to think freely. There’s so much. Everyone wants to be understood, but no one has the time. Everything is important, yet nothing is. I strive to balance everything, but I have come to believe that can be impossible.
And on top of this is this underlying uncertainty of life that kills me. Not knowing what will happen next and never knowing where your life will go. I am completely unsure about what I want to do with my future and this very thought overwhelms me. I am slowly getting questions about colleges and majors and all I can respond is “I don’t know.” Everyone seems so sure of what they are going to do with their life. I can’t choose from the multitude of things I want to do. I grow distinctively indecisive because of this. I want to do something that involves this or that, but I can never completely settle down on one thing. There is just sooooo much happening and it’s wild!!