Erica

  Erica is the strangest of spindly creatures. She is uncomfortable to be around because she has a hateful tendency to lean into your face and attempt to caress it with her strangely shaped finger tips. Often, when she comes at you with large blinking, shaking eyes and a bouncy, unstable stride, you feel the need to flee with all your might, but as the slothlike form draws nearer, you find yourself paralyzed with with fear and confusion. Confirming these sensations is professional Danny Devito huntsman and radish farmer Dylan Samuels, who made the following confession: “I have been fearful in many situations, but never have I experienced greater terror than when conversing with the dreaded Erica Amabile.” When questioned, local hedge Haley Redding could not be moved to speak. Several hours later she found the words, “Her eyes are in my spleen.” Haberdasher Sienna Sherer was also at a loss for words with which to describe the gargoyle, but managed to utter a quivering yelp.

The only soul capable of contesting these damning accounts was the sea beast herself. A fearful conversation with the one and only Erica yielded the following response: “I am pretty neat. I make funny jokes. I enjoy verbally abusing Dylan. I like to make Kraft mac and cheese. I sing weird inane songs at times. For example, when I was at Irene Tapert’s father’s gig I started singing ‘Hungry hungry hippos! Hungry hungry hippos!’” (the interview subject continues singing and flailing about with no shame.) May the saints take mercy on those who find themselves in the thorny and combustible path of the strangest of spindly creatures, one Erica Amabile.

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