Baladine: The Myth, The Woman, The Legend

Baladine is like a doe in the woods. She frolics about, hopping from one moss rock to a moss covered tree. She enchants the woodland creatures with her renditions of Whitney Houston and spins tales of food. What is her favorite food you may ask? When I asked her to name a food she liked, she simply started at me, wide-eyed. She’s very big on having a reusable water bottle and often takes the time out of her day to shame me for always using a plastic one.

One time she called me a dumpster frumpster for eating a Dunkin’ Donuts muchkin that I found in a box in one of the school trash cans. (In my defense, it had just been thrown out and was still in the box meaning it touched neither the trash can nor garbage. I’m not a weirdo.)

If one wishes to meet a Baladine in the wild you must coo very loudly and perform the Dance of the Little Drummer Boy, inspired by the Justin Bieber cover of this song. The choreography of this consists of running in place while in a squat and varying between gesturing your arms up and down. And you must coo like Donkey from Shrek if he smoked a pack a day and had just spent all day screaming at the top of his lungs on a cliff, or else no matter how well you do the dance she will never show up. Once you have mastered this technique you to can have a Baladine of your very own to puzzle over.

But don’t just take my word on what Baladine is like, here’s what some of the cool cats at Lab had to say about her:

Dylan, a boy with one of the most purest loves I know for Danny DeVito, said, “Baladine is hands down the most sweetest person I know, but there is definitely a dark side to this woman. And again, if I go missing for more than two days it was Erica.”

I asked Haley, an old friend who knew Baladine when she was a young buck, her take on Baladine but before she could respond, Siena, an eager beaver walking by, jumped in before she could say anything. “I liked that when we said the animals she said yes,” Siena explained and then hopped away. After a solid minute of staring me down while drinking water, Haley finally said, “Talking to Baladine is like drinking a warm glass of milk.”

I spoke to Spencer, who is The Man (not the authoritative kind, the cool kind. The kind who you say, “You’re The Man!” to as you hug him in a manly manner). He said simply, “I second what Dylan said.”

So as you all can see, Baladine is the bomb dot com and comes with raving reviews. She’d make a great friend to all, but just make sure you don’t let her make direct eye contact with you. Because if you do, she will stare deep into soul until there is nothing left. Nothing but the screams, the piercing, maddening screams.

I hope you enjoy being friends with her as much as I do!


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