Have you ever felt so irrelevant that your life doesn’t matter? Have you ever felt so invisible that if you vanished off the face of the earth no one would notice? Have you ever felt that you don’t belong anywhere no matter where you are?
This is how I identify myself when I am stuck here. Between the hazy grey and blood red walls of what we call a school. Caught in the middle of a million whirls of chaos, drama, and lies. I define myself as an outsider here. But I remember a time when that’s exactly who I wasn’t.
Freshman year. Surrounded by friends and laughs. Not having a care in the world if I belonged or not because it felt right. It didn’t mattered what people said or how they looked at me because I was happy. Because I felt like this is where I fit in. But I was wrong.
Being an outsider is like being a ghost. It feels like you’re there, but not really there at the same time. You see people, they just don’t see you. You notice what’s happening and how people are acting, but it’s like people walk right through you without seeing or hearing you. It’s like you’re unnoticeable.
It makes you wonder why you’re the outsider. Sometimes you feel like you’re better than others and you think, why me. Why am I the one pushed aside. Why am I the one who gets ignored, I can do better, I can do things. I can live my life. I can relate to people. Unlike person A, I can do this, unlike person B, I am good at this. But then you honestly collect your thoughts, like deadly pills in a bottle. You’re worse than everyone. You’re worse than you think. You’re the worse person and you can’t do anything right. Small traits don’t matter, it’s the collective of the being. It’s the person as a whole, and as a whole you’re not better. You’re 10 times worse. Imperfect, inferior, inept to all. These thoughts overflow, and like medicine, you swallow the pills one by one until all they kill you. Kill your spirit. Kill your soul. Kill your reason to continue your worthless existence. So you really are just a ghost. You really are just there to watch, because all you can do right is be quiet and observe. No talking, no interacting, just sit and wait until your poisonous thoughts annihilate you for good.
I felt this way when I walked down the dark lit hallways of my school.
There is an emptiness there. A dark emptiness lingering everywhere you go. The emptiness isn’t around you though. It’s in the pit of your stomach. And you just sit and wait until it consumes you and you fall into the black abyss of nothingness. That’s the way being an outsider made me feel.
But then I found something more, I realized that life is chaotic and strange no matter where you are and no matter who you are. There will always be people trying to tear you down. There will always be something wrong. but it is up to us to focus on what is good and what is bad. It can be hard sometimes because there is a fine line in our minds to distract us of what makes us smile and the dark reality behind.
Truth is, I struggled through high school so much. So much more than I am willing to let people know or even willing to accept myself. When I go back and review all of what I have been through and done in these last few years just makes me want to break down and cry. It’s been bad. I’m not going to lie, it probably could’ve been worse, but that doesn’t detract from the horrors I have faced. From the pain and fear I have held inside for so long. For the lies I have told myself to keep breathing and strong. The distractions I have taken to help myself forget and sleep. But through this all I have learned so much about myself and about the world in which we live. It’s hard, and it’s not going to get easier. But we have to continue anyway, this is how we grow and this is how we become who we are. I don’t want to be remembered for being this lonely weird girl in the back of a class who never really said much. I don’t want to be the awkward introvert who gave up on everything because I couldn’t deal with what I have been handed. Everything we are stems from who we once were.
“We can’t choose where we come from, but we can choose where we go from there.” → Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky